LAST POST

This will be my last post under this title.  I have now changed the name to Diary of  a Tourist Guide and be posting some pieces that I have written over the years about my guiding work.  So look out for me on diaryofatouristguide.blogpsot.com...
Eddie

BISP3

Britain and Study Programme number three
The third BISP course will run from 21st to 25th November 2011 at the French Insitute in Edinburgh from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm daily. The course will be similar to previous ones with updates to reflect changes in the business.
As it is short notice those interested can contact me by phone 07740628324 or email on lerner70@btinternet.com.
The cost is £250 and if you do not find it worthwhile I will personally refund your payment!
Eddie

WHISTLESTOP TOURS INC

Day one - London to Stratford to York to Harrogate. Because of coach delays and slow porterage at pick-up hotel we were late leaving London and for the group photo so nly had hour and a half at York and wee not in time to go to evensong which i find quite restful. managed to get to hotel in time for quick shower before drinks and dinner.

Day two - Harogate to Lake District. But wait, the A59 is closed so we have to take a mandering route across Yorkshire over Ilkley Moor ('bar tat' or 'without a hat' as the song goes). Just manage to make the teain at Haverthwaite but 35ladies have to pee first which takes time. Fortunately they know me there and hold the steam train, which british Rail would not do. Then a boat cruise along windermere and free time inthe town before going to Scotland. Three ladies ten minutes late so we are held up in the heat further. Shot stop at gretna Green befoe reaching Glasgow where fortunately traffic is light for our orientation tour before reaching hotel and then an hour to spare befoe going out to Loch Lomond and Stables restaurant for dinner. Back by ten and poor Andy our relief driver has to go home for a few hhous before being at Abington services to pick up another coach. Relief drivers are ludicrously overworked and, having to move from one location to another never seem to get a decent night's sleep.

Day three - an easy one this as we go across to edinburgh for city tour and excursion to Britannia the royal yacht which was launched in 1953 (same year as me) and did two million miles for royal family before being decommissioned - again thee is a similarity. I have probably done two million miles touring and await decommisioning.

After edinburgh we head for Stirling an the Trossachs where we havea fram dinner. I am writing this in Edinburgh library and have no idea if this will work. In any case we will be back late in Glaasgow and then have to get up early for:

Day four - early start. Have to leave at 7:30 to catch ferry to Lane then drive to Belfast for city tour with local guide. some people go straight to Dublin but I think people should have an hour to look at the city and have a bite or a sip before going south, which you can now do non-stop. In fact, you do not even realise you ar epasing from Northern to Southern Ieland until you see that the prces are in euro and the distances/speeds ae in kms. Anyone who put up a sign saying Norther/Southern ireland would find it disappeared almost immediately, removed by epublicans.

Supposed to have an optional Dublin dinner but willgive group free evening as we will probably be too late to have the energy. Then

Day five - City tour and Glendalough excursion folowed by some free time and evening cabaret. Not sure how to get htere from this hotel and hope we are back in time for early(ish start on

Day six - Kildare national stud, in footsteps of Her Majesty who probably enjoyed thispat of ther recent trip to Ireland moe than any other, being ablwe to see the horses. as Prince Phillip remarked, if it it doesn't chew grass and farta .ot she is not interested...

Then to Kilkenny for lunch, shopping and Waterford for factory tour and shopping. Tall ships are in Waterford so hope hav time and roads are free for pub evening before another early on

Day Seven - have to leave at seven for ferry and hope it arrives int ime so we can make it to Cadiff for Castle visit, shopping and farewell dinner. Finally

Day eight - easy peasy. Merely bath, Salisbury, Stoneehnge and back to London with drop offs at heathrow, hotel and Victoria. But hang on, forgot to include a 'hidden treasure' as it says on itinerary so we will go via Windsor ascot and Runnynede on way into London, Phew almost forgot...

After this, I don't knw about the passengers, but I will need a holiday. Fortunately got a few days off before back to work for 'busy' July august season...

INVITED AFTER ALL!

I have just had first allocations for spring/summer and it seems I am going to the barbecue after all. Plenty of good tours with small spaces in between. I had said that if i could not get better ratings I would quite with the idea of going back to guiding but it is an uncertain world and the outpayments on overheads have to go whatever the incomings are.

Many years ago I left the civil service which gave a guaranteed income and entetred the commerical world which did not. You can pretend that guiding is an intellectual pursuit but frankly it is a business so you have to adapt to the ways of the customer.

So if charm and simplicity are needed rather than challenging ideas and sarcasm (my weakeness) so be it. New season resolution to keep up the smile quotient and cut out the cleverness...

No longer going to the barbecue?

The Americans talk about the barbecue effect in politics - people often vote for the person they would most like to have at their weeekend barbecue rather than the one necessarily best qualified for office - this explains why George W Bush got elected twice. I have always said that the same applies to tour guides - or possibly tour directors, who tend to be judged on feelgood qualitities rather than facts and delivery.
I have been feeling a little unloved recently because my main employer says that my personal ratings declined last year. It was not a disatrous drop but I should be doing better at what I always felt was the right profession. Looking back over the season I find that I wonder who gave the less than enthusiastic reviews and bad ratings. Often it si people who stay at the back of the coach who you do not have the chance to connect with, whomaybe sulk a bit and do not join in with the group. I have usually left them to it, but maybe I should drag themup front more.

To add insult to injury I also received an email saying that I had given out wrong information ont he Olympic Walking Tour the other tour. I enjoyed the tour and got a good response but I did recycle a half heard news item at the end when talking about the velodrome, which I said had been delayed. The item was on Today the morning of the tour and I shoudl have gone to the London2012.com site to check but misheard it and reproduced worng information, particularly embarassing as the velodrome opened that very afternoon! Oh, Eddie - neither a smooth talker nor a smart fact-checker. Must do better...

Writers and artists

An old girlfriend of mine said that most Americans had four careers in a working life - or maybe four major work changes. (I cannot remember exactly - it was a long time ago.)
Rather than having four career changes I run four careers in parallel, or four ways of making a living: I am a landlord of my house in London, which I have been woring on these last few days; I have a contract with a major tour operator to direct (manage) extended tours around Britain and Ireland; I work as a freelance London blue badge guide and I write.
The last two are the ones I would like to concentrate on, but which provide me with the smallest parts of my income, the first two providing the bulk of my earnings. In fact, writing is more of a hobby. I do make a little money at it but Ialso spend money on it to the extent that it is barely profitable and I probably do little better than break even, although it takes up a good deal of my time when not 'working' (as a guide/tour director) or on the house in Brixton.
Man years ago I decided to leave the safe environment of the civil service and go into the commercial world as a guide and later tour director. That meant self-employment and the necessity of respecting what the market demands. If it is looking for an amiable bloke who can crack a few jokes, then that is what you have to supply. If it wants an intellectual powerhouse, then that is what you offer. In fact, it wants a bit of both so you balance the two.
What it does not seem to want is The Diary of a Tourist Guide, which I have been working on intermittently for many years, a series of reflections on life inthe tourist business which I have honed and polished into about 100 short articles that were designed to work as a newspaper or magazine column then a book compilation. I have changed the title to Even t he Old Bags Laughed (which I will use for a book title) shortened the length, tried to sell it as a humourous then an intellectual exercise, hawked it around, showed it to agents and editors, but must finally realise that I cannot sell it. In market terms, it is a dead parrot.
Which is a shame because I think it is actually quite good and has potential to become popular. I may be deluding myself but I think that it could be a winner and people would enjy opening the paper and reading that tour guide bloke on Wednesdays (or whenever) and then buying the book for £7.99 at Christmas.
All is not lost, however. There is some money in the bank and, rather than buy a fancy new car or pay off part of the mortgage, I will publish it in the New Year at my own expense and sell it to the people who come on the tour next year together with The Guide Book. You never know, I may not exactly buck the market but prove the people who felt they knew best that I knew better. Unless that is some reader sees the potential and wants to make an offer...

BOWELS AND BLADDERS

Just finished the 16 day tour, my penultimate of the summer, and picked up a cold which was, as usual, going around the group. I often avoid the bugs but it was the end of the season, a hard tour (not a bad group just hard work with a new driver and inadequate coaches) and my defences were down.
We did the Dublin to Galway run in one go and, as Phoenix Park in Dublin was closed on the previous day, we dropped in there for a photo to see where the previous Pope had been. (The current one was in the UK.) This and the long drive without a break meant that it was about three hours between breakfast and the first loo stop. As luck would have it, the driver said that the coach toilet was not available so one of the passengers was busting to go by the time we stopped for a photo at Galway Bay. Martin the driver indicated that it would be ok to use so disaster was averted but this was not the first - or last - time in my career that I have stretched peoples' bladders to bursting point.
I suppose it is the old tour guide in me trying to fit in everything and more and neglecting comfort stops, as the Americans call them. On one of my early tours of London for Evan Evans I informed an elderly American that there would be no 'rest stop' until the Changing of the Guard, so he simnply went around the back of a hut after we came out of Westminster Abbey and releived himself as definitely and discreetly as he could. (Funny the things you remember from your early days.) Only now, years later and with a considerably weaker bladder myself do I know what he was going through.
When I am not working I can go for hours without a toilet break but when I am on tour my bladder seems to synchronise with the group and I go when they go, usually every two hours.
In my defence there was nowhere on the new Dublin-Galway route to stop unless we diverted to a town, which would have taken an hour off the day without guarantee of success. Someone who started as a tour director would probably not go more than two hours without finding a coffee stop somewhere or other but I wanted to include both Phoenix and the Bay as they are in the itinerary and would be lost otherwise.
The next day was the opposite problem as we went to the ring of Kerry and I booked a late lunch at the Scarriff Inn which I have passed a million times but not stopped at. Although they get a big breakfast and dinner on these tours, people were getting antsy without anything to eat by half past one so I pushed ahead, arrived early but found the place overcrowded and uncomfortable - not a good memory of the Ring for the group. I could and maybe should have just let them loose in a town and told them to do their own thing.
Just as long as there was an easily identifiable loo nearby...